...scratchpaper sonnets

2009-06-04T13:03:00.000-07:00

(v1)
i see you in my dreams
you speak while i'm asleep
and i am unaware
of your hands wrapped around me
Ooh, ooh

(v2)
you catch my tears before i weep
you know my thoughts before i speak
though i'm hardly a man of you
you're still the God of me
ooh, oh
ooh, oh You are always good
You are always good

(ch)
and i rest in the hands
that stretched out the skies
and i am
held by the love that came down to die
and i am
here in your arms, they're always oped wide
i don't know why...
You are always good.

(v3)
you tore open the skies
it was finished when you died
and the blood bled from your hands
can wash the blood off mine
ooh, oh
ooh, oh You are always good
You are always good

(ch)
and i rest in the hands
that stretched out the skies
and i am
held by the love that came down to die
and i am
here in your arms, they're always oped wide
i don't know why...
You are always good.
(repeat)

hook:
you are always good
your love is always strong
you raise the dead to walk
you fill the mute with song
shelter for the poor
refuge for the weak
God of us in much
God of us in need
when the clouds let loose
when the oceans roar
i will be with you
embraced above the storm
though the nations rage
you are on your throne
and when the kingdoms fall
i'll be still and know... You are always good.

prodigal me

2009-06-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

(V1)
brother forget what we said and regret
the time that we fell through the wall
brother regret that we don't talk
don't know each other at all

and i'll pull the knife from my side
i'll pull your lamb from the slaughter
and i'll add this to list of things
that i keep from your daughter

(Chorus)
with the streetlight kiss and the burn in her lips
and the things i don't say will stay that way
and i'll tell Father it's not His fault

the machine that i'm speaking to
will run out of tape soon
but with what little room i'll say
when you get to heaven be sure to call

(V2)
brother come home and we'll run down the road
past the gate and we will embrace
Father's ring on your finger, His robe on your back
and we'll celebrate
and i won't complain, nor hesitate to let you hold your child
with a smile her face, sorrows erase
we've missed you all the while

(Ch.)
with the streetlight kiss and the burn in her lips
and the things i don't say will stay that way
and i'll tell Father it's not His fault

the machine that i'm speaking to
will run out of tape soon
but with what little room i'll say
when you get to heaven be sure to call

(Ch. part two)
are we satellite hearts
are we just falling stars
i don't know where you are and i don't need
to give you my reasons just thought i'd call

so consider this Icarus,
visceral wishing that you would just come down
not every angel has to fall...

2009-04-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

the heavens birthed romance
viewed through emerald eyes
he smiles, she sighs
in too many tries at substance
i'm here the stuff of fiction
unpleasant reveries
selling out the best of me for blistering impermanence
like chasing fallen angels
hoping if this icharus gets burned enough times
one day i'll be consumed
and write her name on the sun
and if i die trying
at least i'll die for something
and something is better the empty skyed nights
spent in transient castles
me in ephemoral rapture and no one to stare at these stars with

tears in the viridian
feels like it's her again
my hurricane hope for calmer waters
and a broken daughter

i only want the wind to stop.
fall dead to the ground
and the only sounds these dreary nights make
are the whispers of God to my heart, my soft spoken stalemate

chroma

2009-04-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

can you just give me something?
_____________________(summed up to nothing)

give me something that will (you) be there when i wake up(?)

______________(summer glow still blushing)

give me something that creeps past the cracks of these closed eyelids

makes it's bed in their green placid pools

and i've yet to steep these tepid feet into anything so emerald

i don't know where we left off last

the BACK AND FORTH

(rotary blades)

BACK AND FORTH

(and it's over we say)

BACK AND FORTH

(but we're older we pray)

{peace that passes my understanding of this fallen kingdom's culture}

-all i ask is innocence-

some visceral wishing

we could spread forever

so thin and

impermanent

-human and satisfied-

i hold out for truth and

settle for transient castles

at home on the wind

moved at the caprice of a less god imposter

i'm not where i ought be

i've forgotten our calling

all to often we soften these hearts' heaven forged iron

in the chests of flesh frail

paint the walls viridian dismal

lucid love drug into our beds and into our heads

[God have mercy on us]

we cherish them

shame on you.

shame on me.

the shadowy seas and swallowed each storm

with subconcious subjective

unrelenting love

icannotchangeyou

untitled with an unimportant number attached #78

2009-03-12T19:32:00.000-07:00

it's raining.
it's a good rain.
affably happening on the dry, desirous ground held agog in heaven's tears.
to it's thirst: unaware en masse
here holding you
pull you into my chest
lay your hands on my heart
feel the infrequent beats when you're near.
your fingers warm on my frozen bones brittle.
cradled in the palms of pursuit.
this proximity like a ticking clock
a dripping faucet
the pumping pulse you're holding.
you told me so i tasted
and you've never been this good and somehow always were. will be.
will we again tomorrow?

untitled with an unimportant number attached #3

2009-03-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

the walls of these eyes have never held back so hard
as You are just that beautiful.
staring sincerity eternal through a finite frame
i'm only moments from flooding the world.
start all this over so i can say with truth that no one else could love someone as much as i.
You.
no one's fell this hard.
no one's felt this heart. the infrequent beats .
the notes that repeat. reverberate off the closet halls and cathedral small spaces
no face has stolen night's sleep like You've stolen from me.
and i just wanted to tell You something no one's said before.
something ~lovelily objective~

a demon dreaming

2009-02-19T19:45:00.000-08:00

it's a dry, wintertide night,
twined tight in Abbadon
enfolded in embers and bedsheets.
ash falling gently
coiled cascading spirals meet the ground down around me sleeping,
cradled delicate in death's clement bed, glowing,
my scaly armored arm and claw holding close to my pillow.

i dreamt, that eve, of the hell above me.

a pale greyscape with grey shapes, bleak and bleary eyed world
where fate's fallen daughters martyr their problems.

nowhere was on fire. everywhere was burning.

the turning of their seasons rained down the nuts and bolts holding heaven together.
tepid, i trudged weary, war-torn feet past
the desolate,
the desperate,
the hesitant,
but all of them the same.

the space between Savior and sinner never felt so asunder
with none in the gap so i stood there in an abandoned ossuary,
as God's groping, hoping eyes scanned the last of the sorrowed soil.
now bleeding beneath me the dry dirt lost its thirst in the flood that formed.

i looked up to see heaven's lament.
tears in the eyes of the bravest of angels.
these holy cold halcyons hailed down from the hallowed ones
so i set down on a tombstone and watched the world end with the sunset.

the horizon so heavy,
i wanted to ask God what had happened,
but we're not supposed to do that.

i'd never seen such dismal dead moments.
the river styx sung sweeter hymns than the stinging silence that me there.
me, a demon.
me, a pathetic hellion stranded in purgatory couldn't fathom what these beasts were doing.

the cemetery: empty
except for me there..

no mourners.
no weeping.
no person keeping vigil over
the tiny saints
in shallow graves
swallowed up in death's early mouth.

(and to think we're the ones out to steal souls)

sitting amongst the still-born cherubim,
the unbirthed someones of the world all at rest
innocent of the blood stains on humanity's hands
as they slept there in unheavenly pieces.

peaceless; i'd never been so confused.

my cracked, wretched skeleton never felt,
never sung the psalm pumped through a beating heart.

and beneath these brittle ribs
no lungs exist but even i know life is precious.
yet i'm stuck in revery,
lost in the nightmare of a world that would suffocate that which the Divine breathed LIFE into.

i could feel hell's burning hunger,
the fire starving for atrocities like it's never tasted... like this.

i don't know how long i stayed there.
sitting in the grey rain,
on a grey grave in a grey place that used to know black from white.

my feet,
tail,
talons
all covered in mud
& the heavens above
just kept pouring.
& i saw walking toward me
the sillhouette of the Someone holding something.
Someone holding flowers, probably intended for the dead person i'm perched on.
and He stumbled closer, not even noticing me,

the mercy-filled-holes in His hands dripping in the storm of angels' affliction.

i've seen Jesus weep.
i've seen Jesus bleed.
i heard when He said,
"let the children come to me"
i was there.
but i never fathomed the father heart
of this melancholy Messiah
falling on it's knees
crying out for the weak like this.

had i the torrents of emotion, feeling or fervor,
i'd have been moved too.
i would have drawn damnation's sword,
avenged these slaughtered lambs.
had i the heaven's hands i'd hold back Azrael's arms, avid,
but i haven't.

there's. nothing. i could do.
this chimera had cornered me.
it was all apparition anyway. couldn't be real.
but when the prostrate Savior cried out,
every crawlspace in heaven rended,
all hell's holocaust a s c E N d e d
and the static of their screaming set my ears to bleeding
so i woke up.

this seamless dream ripped open hope by the night's placid vigil

i gathered in the tinder, pulled bed blankets close, and lifted
tattered bony fingers, flipped over the pillow so i could lie down and rest my head on the cool side.

county highway 73

2009-02-16T12:57:00.000-08:00

i'm driving.

faster than i should be.

like i'm out to prove something.

and tonight it's my hope

all roads don't lead home

because home is where it's hardest

as to where my heart is...?

check the glove compartment.

inside there's a note

inside there's red letters

and the last words she said

hurt worse than this head

still pounding

like this heart still sounding the alarms hoping they'll be loud enough that i can't hear You talking God

i'm part

of a world

that cannot be fixed

as if it even wants that

i'm part of a song we've forgotten to sing

i'm part of a dream but we've cut off our wings

making angels like icarus

turning saints into hypocrites

and if there's a difference

it doesn't matter because we care so very little about what might matter

and that's the question of You

and i don't blame us because i'm part of a world that's too timid to reach out and feel

as You dawn on us, we're asleep at the wheel

and the radio dial steals the conversation that each of us should be having

with the unempty space a million miles away in the passenger seat.

it's not something glorious.

not urgent

nothing burning on our lips to say

it's just that we'd pray for anyone but ourselves

holding out til' we hit something.

that magnificent crash

we collide with the fact

we're not alone down here

and if only we could handle that we might drive more cautious

might try more honest at maintaining conscience.

unconcious, we press on hoping at the end of this trip

there's somewhere to rest because

we. have. not yet. rested.

we are part of a world too tired to fight for itself anymore.

and we cannot trust these dotted white lines where to drive anymore

and though we can't see further than the end of these headlights

that's not an excuse to not look anymore

so i pull over

stop for a moment

knowing no one else does this

because everything is urgent

but nothing is permanent

but personally, that's a confused dichotomy

but honestly, You've been pulling at me for hours

and i cannot get the music loud enough

or the silence think enough to drown You out.

because i know i'm not the only one who sometimes looks in the rearview

and could swear that i see You in the back seat

haunting me

but it's dawned on me that with the voice in my eyes

i can't scream at the skies

and not believe in You at the same time

i cannot claim there's no celestial Giver

while resenting You for what's been taken away

and i just wanna pray some silent song of surrender

knowing God that You took her home for a reason.

ps27:4

2009-02-16T12:37:00.000-08:00

our hearts can't survive without delusions of grandeur
if we cease. to. think. we're bigger than the everything in our way
then we cease to be anything entirely

i know now that what separates

men & angels

is the fact that

they. still. dream.

if it weren't for that they wouldn't have wings

utlimate? no we're not

final reality? not at all

God forgive us.

we seem to have given up any hope of anything that

m i g h t b e h e a v e n

You see, we don't

though we

still look to the skies

instead of wondering who suspends the stars, so at home in the void,

we question as to whether they can still fit into

our business suit pockets

as if all the profit we make will transfer eternal treasure

hoping that heaven has a caste system

...decorating dreams

2009-02-12T12:49:00.000-08:00

i could search unending
minutes s t r e t c h i n g themselves out to touch eternity
& the burn in me would not subside

my grasping at the infinite
take hold of windless whispers
knowing none could be as permanent as You make me feel like forever and a few seconds later
understand that these fragile hands don't span to count the smallest
fractions of time stolen from words only once uttered: i love you

but with that one breath
i am set until death
hoping heaven will not be much different if i spend earth with You

so tonight
with Your warm hands in mine
and our hearts intertwined
we will dance slow in the candle's flickering firelight

projected onto walls long forgotten

and hallways we got lost in
as inside no one else could lose themselves yet still be found... but us.

and the sweet, sweet sounds from out of You mouth will echo without mention in the hiding places of this heart
on this night

we cup our timid hands

collecting stars to decorate our sleepless dreaming at ungodly hours
as the moon envies jealous
angels playing a symphony
and tonight
for the first time in my life
the clouds do not block us from seeing them

so sing out weary
starving soul
without fear
as we will someday hold eachother soon
like the uNSteady pen
writes an unready melody but
those. three. words.
are better unrehearsed. kept quiet.
til they BURST LIKE A SMALL CHILD IN CHURCH WHO'S GRASP ON HEAVEN IS TOO FAST FOR THE PREACHER. THE CHOIR.
the silence
the violent heartbeats insde him will not hold much longer

so i'll open the floodgates and clean things up later